Peg Cheng

Author + Teacher

Peg Cheng

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I Have 5 Autoimmune Disorders Yet I’m Living My Best Life

There are some weeks when I have diarrhea every day.

There are some days when I have abdominal pain so bad I feel like I’m going to faint…and almost do.

If I forget to wear sunscreen and am out in the sun for longer than 20 minutes, my skin breaks out in hives.

Sometimes, when things go haywire in my body, my face will break out in red blotches.

I wash my face with salt water every night, otherwise it will peel and peel like I have a sunburn when I don’t.

I suffer from five autoimmune disorders: SIBO (small intestine bacteria overgrowth), IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), PMLE (polymorphous light eruption), rosacea, and sebborheic dermatitis.

There are many times when I wish I were “normal,” and there are times when I feel good about my current state of health.

You see, I went through years not knowing what I had. I’ve seen many doctors–most of whom told me there was nothing I could do for my digestion problems except reduce my stress, eat more fiber (!!!), and take drugs.

Things came to a head in 2014 when I developed rosacea–many red blotches on my face. By then, I’d already had IBS for something like 30 years. I went to see a dermatologist for the rosacea and she was able to step back and recognize that my rosacea and IBS were an indication of something else going on. She ended up testing me for SIBO and the test came back positive. It was one of the best days of my life because I finally knew what I had.

Sebborheic dermatitis and PMLE followed soon after that. I figured out after a few months of breaking out in hives that I needed to start wearing sunscreen every day (the physical kind that has zinc oxide in it, not the chemical kind with PABA and oxybenzone because that stuff makes me break out in a rash and is also bad for fish and the ocean).

It took me much longer to figure out that oils and most moisturizers make sebborheic dermatitis worse. It’s ironic because when your skin is peeling you think that putting on more moisturizer will help but it does the exact opposite. I continued to consult Dr. Goggle and thankfully, found a site created by a guy who learned to control his dermatitis by washing his face with salt water every night (the site is no longer up so if you want his tips, email me).

After a year of so, I moved on from the dermatologist. I will always be grateful to her for diagnosing me with SIBO but it turned out she couldn’t help me much more than that. After months of searching, I found a naturopathic doctor that specialized in GI issues and SIBO. For the last four years, we’ve been trying different kinds of treatments to eradicate the SIBO and what’s causing the SIBO in the first place. More and more, research shows that skin disorders stem from digestion and GI (gastro-intestinal) issues. So, if I heal from the SIBO, I will, in turn, heal from the IBS, PMLE, rosacea, and sebborheic dermatitis.

I’ve tried everything in terms of special diets, drugs, supplements, stress reduction, bodywork, and more. The only thing I haven’t tried is a fecal transplant, but hey, give it time.

There are days when the symptoms pile up because I ate something that disagreed with me and then went through a stressful event on top of it which results in me feeling out-of-wack for nearly a week. During those days, I feel tired, depressed, and on the verge of hopelessness.

Sometimes, I develop symptoms that cause issues on top of my current issues. It often feels like “two steps forward, one step back” and sometimes like “two steps forward, two steps back.”

But despite the pain, frustration, and disappointment, I see small changes every year that give me hope that I am getting better, very slowly but surely.

On the days when when I’m tired or in pain, if I give myself a chance to stop, rest, and breathe, I can center myself and emerge with renewed perspective. It’s on these days that it helps me to step back, look at my life, and take inventory.

I work for myself. I control my daily schedule. I have a wonderful husband. I have good friends and family. I create nearly every day. I teach people about things I’m passionate about. My husband and I own our house. Except for the mortgage, we have no debt. I live in a beautiful neighborhood in an awesome city. I have many privileges and advantages. In the end, I am free to live my life. There are many people–millions of people–who cannot say that. And, there were many years when I couldn’t claim even one third of these things.

So, yes, I have five autoimmune disorders.

I have to work every day to take good care of myself and learn what my body needs and doesn’t need.

I can’t be on auto-pilot. I can’t eat whatever I want. There are many days when I can’t do the things that “normal” people without GI issues can do.

Still, despite all the pain, frustration, restrictions, and disappointments–despite it all and with it all–I’m living my best life.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a novel that asks, can enemies become friends? She is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

Photo: Near where King Kamehameha was born on Hawaii the Big Island by Marcus Donner.

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Fear Wants Me to…

The day before my last Fear & Writing workshop, I sat down and did some freewriting using the same writing prompts that I have my students do in the workshop. It’s a good way to place myself in my students’ shoes and experience what they will experience.

One of the prompts was, FEAR WANTS ME TO…

Here’s what I wrote in just a few minutes.

FEAR WANTS ME TO…

stay small,

stay to myself,

stay safe,

not question things,

not try new things,

do only what I already know,

whether it’s good for me or bad for me doesn’t matter,

Fear wants me to stay stuck in the same place,

stay doing things that form such a layer of comfort around myself that I’m on autopilot all the time,

that any time I do something outside that comfort zone I feel such anxiety that I will stop and not continue,

fear wants me to be static,

closed,

shut,

unable to see beyond my tiny sphere of habits and routine,

fear wants me to stop trying,

fear wants me to give up.

Nothing I wrote surprised me. Being a full-time creative is joyous and hard. Every day, I have to make the conscious decision to face fear and keep writing, keep creating, keep stretching myself outside of my comfort zone. But, what did surprise me was my ability to articulate my daily struggle so clearly in just a few minutes.

Can you relate to what I wrote?

Wondering what might come up for you if you respond to this prompt?

Why not give it a try?

You’ve got nothing to lose and it only takes five minutes.

Grab a pen and your notebook or a piece of paper.

Write at the top of the page: FEAR WANTS ME TO…

Set a timer for five minutes.

Press start and write whatever comes to you. Don’t edit. Don’t backtrack. Don’t even correct your spelling or grammar! Let whatever wants to come out flow onto the page.

Keep writing until the timer goes off. If you can’t think of what to write, write I love gummy bears, I love gummy bears over and over until something comes to you.

Now, read what you wrote.

What came out? Anything make you feel ashamed or angry or sad? Anything make a lightbulb go off above your head? Anything make you smile or laugh? How did it feel to write about this?

Post your thoughts below. I’d love to hear from you!

ps. If you enjoyed this exercise, check out my Fear & Writing course. Lots more prompts and freewrites are waiting for you there.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a novel that asks, can enemies become friends? She is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

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Dear Fear and Creativity

Yesterday, I taught my Fear & Writing workshop at Seattle’s Northeast Library. I love teaching this workshop. Every time I do it, I discover once again why I keep writing even though I’ve had hard times and challenges with it.

Thanks to everyone who came out! I hope my workshop helped you, and I want you to know that each and every one of you helped me. Every time I get the chance to help other writers, it helps keep me writing.

In my workshop, we always spend time freewriting because it’s one of the key techniques that helped me break out of my funk when I was paralyzed with fear after becoming a full-time writer. Freewriting is a great way to stop procrastinating and start writing!

The way I teach freewriting is I set a timer for two minutes, read aloud a prompt, and students then write their response to the prompt without going back and without editing until the timer goes off. Then, I set the timer again and read aloud the next prompt.

We did six prompts for two minutes each. In just 12 minutes, each student had written six paragraphs or more. It’s amazing how much you can write in only 12 minutes!

Before the workshop, I wrote to the same prompts to put myself in my students’ shoes. I allowed myself to write for five minutes instead of two for each prompt. Still, no backtracking and no editing.

Here’s what I wrote to the prompt, “Dear Fear and Creativity…”–a prompt inspired by The Road Trip story from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, BIG MAGIC: Creative Living Beyond Fear.

Dear Fear and Creativity,

Can we agree on something?

Fear, you will keep me safe when I’m truly in danger.

You will signal and grab hold of me when my body, mind and/or soul are at risk of being assaulted, whether physically or mentally or emotionally. You will activate my body to steer me to safety and my brain will shut up and just follow you.

Fear, I promise that I will do this if you do this for me. That is your job and my job is to listen to you in those situations. But, when I am not in danger of mental, emotional, or bodily harm, I want you to sit in the backseat and let Creativity drive.

Creativity, take me wherever you think would allow me the most growth. Support me in taking things I already know in a different direction. Push me to step outside of comfort so that I can experience the thrill of new learning and enlightenment. Encourage me to not be afraid, to know that sometimes (many times) Fear wants to drive but that Fear should only drive when we are in real danger of being harmed.

Creativity and Fear, celebrate with me when we do what’s right for us all, when we stand steadfast in our true nature, and bring our best selves to the table.

I love you both. I need you both.

Are you with me?

Good.

Let’s go!

Want to try it? Great!

Set a timer for five minutes. Then, write on a piece of paper (pen and paper is best for freewriting–it doesn’t work as well on a computer): Dear Fear and Creativity…

Start the timer and go. Write whatever wants to come out. Don’t backtrack. Don’t edit.

Stop when the timer goes off. Now, read what you wrote.

What did you discover?

I’d love to hear how it went for you. Post your thoughts below and let me know!

ps. If you enjoyed this exercise, check out my Fear & Writing course. There’s lots of prompts in this course that’ll get your creativity moving and your writing engine chugging.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a novel that asks, can enemies become friends? She is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

Photo by Marcus Donner.

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Befriending My Shadow with Theresa Reed the Tarot Lady

With Theresa Reed after her Tarot for Shadow Work class at New Renaissance Books in Portland, OR

Why am I attracted to the Shadow?

Why am I not afraid of the dark side of the human psyche?

Why am I comfortable listening to people reveal their ugliest thoughts about themselves?

It’s because I have a Shadow side. It’s been alive and well for nearly my whole life. My parents added to it with force and criticism, along with others that wounded me as a child and as an adult.

Because of this, I know how it feels to be caught so deep in Shadow that you wonder if you’ll ever climb out of the darkness. You wonder if it will haunt you your whole life, and possibly into your next one if you believe in that kind of thing.

But when Marcus and I took a workshop this week from Theresa Reed (aka. The Tarot Lady) on Tarot for Shadow Work, I learned something very comforting. I learned that if I befriend my Shadow, I will discover “the bigger, brighter, and more luminous self hidden right there in the dark.”

This helped me to realize that while I might think dark thoughts–very, VERY dark thoughts–I don’t act on them. Am I immune to angry outbursts or bitter actions? Certainly not. But over time, I’ve learned that it’s better to leave things like vengeance and revenge to the Universe. The Universe has a way of dealing with things gone wrong. Also, if I allow myself to see the dark parts of myself and where they came from, I can interact with life rather than reacting to it.

Which brings me to why I feel comfortable listening to the shadow sides of others. I’m cool with listening to people talk about fear, anger, jealousy, rage, and more. It feels normal to me because I can relate. Even if I haven’t had the same thoughts, I’ve had something along the same vein. I wish more people were cool with this. I think if they were, we’d all be in a much better place. Instead of telling someone (especially their kid) not to be angry or jealous or sad, let them be it. Let them feel it and ultimately, deal with it. Tamping it down will only cause it to come back in a worse way–often a MUCH worse way. We ALL have a Shadow side. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It gives me comfort to know that every day, if I’m open to it, I can shine a light on me and my Shadow–all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful–and I can keep being who I am without feeling I’m lesser than or not good enough. It’s okay to see my Shadow in all its glory–in fact, it’s healthy and healing. Instead of hiding it or pretending that it’s not there, I can see my Shadow for what it is and befriend it. I can acknowledge and forgive myself for being flawed and human.

Which brings me to another big thing I learned in Theresa’s workshop. I figured out my Birth Card.

I had figured it out before this workshop, but listening to Theresa and my classmates talk about their Birth Cards helped me to take my understanding to a whole ‘nother level.

Here’s how I did it.

My birthday is September 26, 1971. To find out my Birth Card, I added up my birth date numbers like this:

9+2+6+1+9+7+1 = 35.

The Major Arcana in a tarot deck only goes up to 22 so I need to add these two numbers together too.

3=5 = 8.

8 is the Strength card in a tarot deck.

The Strength card symbolizes the inner power and courage to handle life’s challenges. In the classic Rider-Waite tarot deck, the Strength card shows a woman holding open the jaws of a lion. She is doing this gently, without force.

I can absolutely relate to this card.

Throughout my life, I’ve felt like I have to take matters into my own hands in order to solve a problem or overcome a challenge. But, I’m not always strong. Quite the contrary. You see, the opposite of strength is fear, cowardice, and insecurity. Yep, I feel fear all the time. When it comes to something I really care about, like my writing, I can be brave in writing down my stories, but I often fear it at the same time. This fear holds me back from doing my best writing. It’s a constant battle.

How can I be more like the Strength card?

Can I tame my inner demons–my Shadow–with gentleness and care rather than force and restriction?

Can I do it?

Because this is what I want. This is what I’m reaching for. This is the next level–acknowledging my Shadow, understanding it, and ultimately, being gentle with it and not fighting it.

I want to reach into the jaws of the lion–a frightening place indeed–and gently, even lovingly, open up its mouth. I want to be so gentle that the lion doesn’t fight at all; in fact, it wants me to open its jaw. It wants to be seen and touched with tenderness and compassion.

This is what I want for my Shadow side. If I can do this for the darkest parts of myself, there’s no telling what else I can do. This is what my soul aches to do. I’m on the path.

ps. If this story resonates with you, check out Tarot for Troubled Times: Confront Your Shadow, Heal Your Self & Transform the World by Shaheen Miro and Theresa Reed. It was just released last week. Can’t wait to read it myself!

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a novel that asks, can enemies become friends? Peg is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

Photo of Peg Cheng & Theresa Reed by Marcus Donner.

 

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Back to Basics at Camp NaNoWriMo

Have you been wanting to write more?

Is there a story or poem buried in you that wants to get out?

Are you tired of making excuses that you don’t have time to write?

If you answered YES to any of these, I hope you’ll join me at Camp NaNoWriMo this month!

Camp NaNoWriMo stands for Camp National Novel Writing Month and it happens every July. It’s a virtual writing camp; as in, you can write from the comfort of your home, office, cafe, park, car, wherever you want to write from. This year, I’m imagining that I’m writing from a cabin on a beautiful mountain lake like the one you see above. ?

There are two things that I love about Camp NaNoWriMo.

First, you can set a goal for your writing project that’s words, pages, lines, hours, or minutes. You don’t need to feel constrained by word count–you can choose a different measuring guide. For me, I’m going back to the basics. I’ve set a goal of 930 minutes, which is 30 minutes a day for 31 days. I can write or revise anything, and my ultimate goal is to make writing a daily habit again.

The second thing I love about Camp NaNoWriMo is the emphasis on community. During regular NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November, you’re part of a worldwide community of writers trying to reach their novel writing goals, but you don’t have a specific group of people to cheer you on. But at Camp NaNo, I have a virtual cabin of fellow writers all posting about their latest writing trials, tribulations, and triumphs. No matter how bad it gets, we encourage each other to keep going. It’s the main reason why I’ve been part of Camp NaNo year after year.

Something different I’m doing for this year’s cabin is setting the intention for all cabin mates to post on our cabin’s online board how we felt when we wrote that day. Was there was anything that helped or hindered your writing? Did you surf the web LESS before writing? What helped you do that? Was writing hard today? What was that due to? Did the time of day help you to write? Did listening to music help you? Stuff like that.

I’m doing this because I want to hear more about the QUALITY of your writing time rather than the QUANTITY of your words. The prime reason is because I want to enjoy the process of writing more and I want to learn from others how they do it.

If this appeals to you and you’d like to join my Psychedelic Psychopomps cabin (thanks to my writing friend, Catherine, for introducing this word to me), post a message below or contact me. We still have a few more spots open and we’d love to have you on board.

Hope to see you around the camp fire!

ps. In case you’re wondering, psychopomps are the conductors of souls to the afterworld. Since writing can involve soul searching and reaching into the deepest depths, this name felt just right.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a novel that asks, can enemies become friends? Peg is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

Photo: Pragser Wildsee, Italy by Ales Krivec.