Fear & Writing

Later this summer, I’m opening registration for my FEAR & WRITING course.

It will take only 30 minutes a day, over the course of seven eight days, to complete.

My goal is to make it so fun and simple, you will look forward to writing every day.

I’m super excited about it, but before we get into it, I thought you might want to know why I created this course in the first place. We have to go back a couple of years…

In February 2016, after working in 35 jobs, I chucked it all to become a full-time writer.

Did I write eight hours a day?

No.

Did I write four hours a day?

No.

Did I write even just one hour a day?

No, I didn’t!

I had finally achieved my dream of being a full-time writer, and I. COULD. NOT. WRITE.

Do you know how crazy that made me feel? How angry? How ashamed? How sad?

I couldn’t figure it out. I’d been writing on the side for 12 years, all while holding down jobs and running my own business. Why couldn’t I do it now, when I had all the time in the world?

Fear.

Plain and simple.

It was FEAR.

Now that my writing was no longer a hobby, I was paralyzed by fear. My writing had to be good. It had to make money. It had to be my career. Those were the thoughts swirling around in my head. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it, those feelings were there. It kept me scared and it kept me feeling small.

Many days, I couldn’t write at all and would spend the evening watching Netflix and hating myself. My husband Marcus tried encouraging me, and it helped me loathe myself a little bit less, but it didn’t help me to write.

Somehow, as the year went on, I managed to write the first draft of my suspense novel. It was a slow and painful process, and by October 2016, I was spent. I was tired of having to make myself write and disappointed that it had taken me nine months to finish one draft instead of the three months I thought it would take. (I realize now that nine months isn’t very long, but since it had taken me only four months to write both the first and second drafts of my first novel, and I did this while I was working at a job, I had unrealistic expectations.) I was beat, and took the rest of the year off from writing to recover and rejuvenate.

When 2017 began, I was hopeful that my second year of full-time writing would go better. But then death hit. And then it hit again. And again. And again. And again. In 2017, Marcus and I knew of 13 people who died, including Marcus’s father whom I loved and knew as Mr. Mark. Many of our good friends also lost a parent. Overall, 2017 was a year of funerals, crying, eating my feels, gaining weight, and grieving.

But despite all the death and sadness, about half way through the year, things changed. I had made writing into a habit. With the help of my therapist, I had developed a simple technique that helped me consistently write 5-6 days a week. It felt like a small miracle.

Right around that time, Linda Johns, librarian at the Seattle Public Library’s downtown Central Library, asked me if I wanted to teach a workshop for the library’s Seattle Writes Program that fall.

Heck yeah, did I ever!

Seattle Writes hosts a slew of writing workshops taught by local authors at various branches of the Seattle Public Library. I had been going to Seattle Writes workshops for the past few years and found them to be encouraging and helpful. They were also perfect for my budget…as in, they were free.

I was excited to teach for Seattle Writes and give back to a program that had given me hope and encouragement. I knew immediately what I wanted to teach–a workshop on FEAR & WRITING.

I tried to create the kind of writing workshop that I would have wanted to attend when I was in the depths of fear, shame, and self-loathing.

I was going to teach the things that had helped me turn writing into a habit: starting small, frequency over quantity, freewriting, and more. I spent the summer getting it ready, but when fall rolled around, I was afraid that people wouldn’t show up. My workshop was on a Sunday afternoon. It was raining. And the Seahawks were playing.

While driving to the Greenwood Library with Marcus, I sent a prayer to the universe that 15 people would show up.

54 people showed up.

More wanted to come in, but we had reached capacity, and the resident librarian had to lock the door to the room and turn people away. I found out later from Linda that my workshop was the biggest one in Seattle Writes’ history. Crazy!

Six months later, I taught FEAR & WRITING for the Seattle Public Library again. It went well and I got more ideas on how to improve it. I also continued to write on a near-daily basis and started cranking out my novel drafts much faster than before.

The next month, in April 2018, I finished my suspense novel and turned it in to my editor. It had taken me 11 years of planning and 26 months of writing to finish this novel. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

It’s true what they say about writing being a marathon. Finishing my novel gave me a feeling of relief and triumph that marathoners must feel when they cross the finish line. I was happy for a few minutes and then I literally couldn’t move for the rest of the day. I was exhausted. I took that day and the next six weeks off to relax, clean, garden, meet up with friends, and live life without thinking about writing or feeling like I had to write. It felt good. Really good.

It was after this break that I finally felt ready to create a FEAR & WRITING course. I’ve wanted to create this online course ever since I taught the first FEAR & WRITING workshop on that fateful, rainy Sunday in September, and realized that there were a lot of people besides me who were dealing with fear and writing, and that many would not be able to make it to one of my live workshops.

That day, I realized that I wasn’t alone.

I want you to know that you’re not alone.

Face your fear of writing and become the writer you’ve always wanted to be.

You CAN do this!

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a middle-grade novel that asks, can enemies become friends? She is currently writing another novel that is a re-imagining of the Snow White fairy tale set in 1980s Seattle. Peg is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

 

A week ago, I was on my way to teach my Fear & Writing workshop for the first time for the Seattle Public Library’s Seattle Writes Program, and I was scared.

For several years I had attended Seattle Writes workshops and enjoyed them. I figured that until I had “made it” as an author, that I’d always be a student in these workshops and not the teacher. So, when I was asked by Linda Johns, author, librarian, and Seattle Writes Coordinator, to teach a workshop this year, I was surprised, thrilled, and very nervous.

I had self-published four books (one novel and three prelaw guides), but by no means had I “made it” as an author. I loved teaching but I feared that no one would show up. I feared that people wouldn’t understand what I had to say. I feared that I might not be ready to teach a workshop on fear. Ironic, isn’t it? I knew Linda was taking a chance on me and I didn’t want to let her down.

In the car, driving with my husband Marcus to the Greenwood Public Library, I prayed that 15 people would show up. That’s a great number for a free writing workshop on a Sunday afternoon, especially when the Seahawks are playing. Marcus encouraged me by saying that no matter how many people showed up, that was the right number. I agreed and did my best to keep my expectations low and my nerves steady.

We arrived at the library a half hour early to set up. When I walked into the conference room, it was already part full–as in there were already 15-20 people there! Some of them were coloring with colored pencils. I asked, “Is this a crafting workshop?”

The woman sitting closest to me said, “No, the librarian brought in some coloring supplies for us while we wait for the workshop.”

“Are you all here for the Fear & Writing workshop?” I asked.

“Yes,” they replied.

At that moment, I wanted to let out a loud “Yaaaaaaasssss!” and high-five Marcus. Instead, I nodded and said, “Oh, great. So glad you’re all here.” Then I exchanged a knowing glance with Marcus, and we started setting up.

That half hour was incredible. People kept steadily streaming in. Soon, the room had 30 people, 40 people, and still, people kept coming.

We didn’t have enough tables and chairs so I asked the librarians if we could get more. The librarians and staff hustled to bring in flip desks, round tables, even a triangular table to supplement the standard rectangular tables we already had. They even brought in large coffeetable books and passed them around as hard writing surfaces for the people who did not have a table.

When we reached 54 people–yep, 54–I told librarian Erin that I thought we were at capacity–any more people and the ones that were already there would be too crowded, too uncomfortable. She decided it was time to lock the door. We could get out, but no one else could get in. My first workshop for the Seattle Public Library’s Seattle Writes Program had, in effect, sold out. In theatre terms, we were SRO or Standing Room Only.

I could barely contain myself. Just that morning, I had sent out a post about closing my writing coaching business. I wanted to shift away from one-to-one client work and move toward classes and speaking gigs. It felt right when I wrote it, but then, all my fears and doubts rushed back in as Marcus drove me to my workshop a few hours later.

So, to stand in front of a packed room of writers–all there to learn from me–was incredible. For a writer like me, who has struggled for almost two years to face fear, write full time, and not give up, this was a huge nod from the universe. The universe was telling me, “You’re on the right path, Peg. Keep going.”

I started the workshop by asking, “Are you all as fearful as me?”

People laughed. And we were off and running. Together, we discussed and tried techniques that I used all the time to deal with fear.

I wasn’t sure if people would meditate with me. But, they did.

I wasn’t sure if people would jump into the freewriting exercises. But, they did.

I wasn’t sure if people would read their writing aloud in front of strangers. But, they did.

I realized that the people that came to my workshop were my people–people willing to learn, people willing to engage, people willing to be vulnerable. I could not have asked for a more awesome group of writers. They may all have had some fears about writing, but it did not show that day.

As the two hours came to an end, I felt invigorated, and I hoped all the writers in the room felt the same. It did not matter to me anymore whether I had “made it” as an author. That day, I had made it as a writing teacher, and I was happy. There was no room left for fear.

I want to give HUGE thanks to Linda Johns, Seattle Central Library librarian and coordinator of the Seattle Writes Program, Greenwood Public Library librarians Erin Moehring and Jessica Faught, the staff at the Greenwood Public Library, my husband/workshop assistant/photographer/cheerleader Marcus Donner, and again, all the wonderful writers that showed up for my workshop. Thank you, all!

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a middle-grade novel centered on the question, can enemies become friends? She is currently writing another novel that is a re-imagining of the Snow White fairy tale set in 1980s Seattle. Peg is also the creator of Fear & Writing, a workshop for procrastinating writers from all walks of life.

Photos by Marcus Donner.