Hodgepodge

I looked up the definitions for HOPE and FAITH today.

The first definition that came up for HOPE was: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

The first example it gave was: to give up hope.

Funny, because that is what I’m writing about today.

You see, I’ve given up hope.

I’ve given up hope that our nation will be fine.

I’ve given up hope that our citizens will be okay.

I’ve given up hope that the people in charge will do the right thing.

I no longer have hope because so much of hope is based on what other people do.

I prefer not to go there.

Don’t worry–I’m not giving up hope so I can bury myself in the sand and forget about life.

No, I prefer to focus on what I can do.

Me. One person. One miniscule dot in the universe.

I’m not burying myself in the sand because I do not expect anyone to shovel me out.

That’s my job.

And my shovel’s name is FAITH.

You’re probably wondering, what’s the difference between hope and faith?

Well, let’s go to the dictionary.

According to the first definition that I looked up, FAITH is: allegiance to duty or a person; loyalty; fidelity to one’s promises; sincerity of intentions.

You see, it’s very different from hope.

Do I believe in allegiance to duty? And loyalty? And fidelity to one’s promises? And sincerity of intentions?

Yes. Yes. Yes. And YES.

I have faith.

I have faith that I am always doing my best, whether on horrible, terrible days, and on delightful, beautiful days.

I have faith in the universe, and in all that I can see and hear, and all that I cannot see and hear.

I have allegiance to myself, loyalty to those I love and respect, fidelity to my promises, and sincerity of intentions.

I have faith.

And it’s not because I believe in God. Because I do. But, I don’t equate faith with my belief in God.

I don’t label God. I don’t purport to articulate or understand what God is doing to us or not doing to us, or if God wants me to do this or does not want me to do that. Faith, for me, is not about God.

There are a lot of things that I don’t know, but what I do know is that someday, my time on this earth will come to an end. No one can argue against that–not even people who believe they have a direct phone line to God. But until that fateful day comes, I will read, write, think, dream, ponder, act, love, and live.

I will do my best, even when my best is just getting out of bed.

I will do my best to help other living beings.

I will do my best to help myself.

I will keep going.

I will keep going, and perhaps someday, hope will return to me.

But I’ve realized something important.

It’s okay if hope doesn’t return.

Because I still have faith.

And that is enough.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a middle-grade novel centered on the question, can enemies become friends? She is currently writing another novel that is a re-imagining of the Snow White fairy tale set in 1980s Seattle. Peg also believes in equality for all people and continues to fight the good fight.

Art by Sveta Dorosheva.

Leave it up to Sveta Dorosheva to once again capture what’s happening in my psyche. This illustration is called Topsy Turvy World. It personifies how I’m feeling right now about the Trump presidency and the palpable fear I have that the laws of our country will soon convert into a living nightmare for myself and so many people I care about.

I’m going to come back to that. But first, I want to talk about NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo has been an utter failure for me this month. I realized pretty quickly that I couldn’t write the sequel to THE CONTENDERS while taking a break from my novel, SEVEN DUDES DOC AND THE SEVEN. I thought I could, but I can’t.

I can’t do this because I like closure. I’m an ENFJ and I really like finishing. Writing a first draft is not closure to me–it’s a beginning, an opening to something much bigger.

So, I have to continue. I feel compelled to continue. I need to continue writing SEVEN DUDES DOC AND THE SEVEN until it’s ready to be submitted to my beta readers. Then, and only then, when my draft is as good as I can get it by working on my own, can I even begin to start thinking about working on a new novel.

On a happier note to this dreadful week, I am looking forward to reacting to the first draft rather than having to face the blank page and make everything up from scratch. It’s one hundred times easier to rewrite a draft than it is to write the first draft. Other writers might feel the opposite, but for me, rewriting is where it’s at.

I begin the second draft today. I think taking time every day to work on my story will be a welcome respite from reality. With the Trump presidency looming, I need to immerse myself in making art. It’s one of the only things keeping me afloat right now. Art will heal me. Art will save me. It always has.

The other thing that has saved me time and time again are good people. I give deep thanks to my husband Marcus and my friend Brian for helping me grieve and process the horrors of this week.

I also want to thank my friend John. John is a straight, white male in his 40s who grew up in rural America. This is what he posted on Facebook after the election, taking the risk that he might lose friends and colleagues by doing so.

It’s actions like this that give me hope for a better tomorrow.

We need more white people like my friend John to stand up and call other white people out for their racism and/or their complicity in supporting racist leaders and policies.

We need more white people to take responsibility for supporting and benefiting from white privilege and institutional racism.

We need more white people to educate other white people about racism.

People of color can’t do it alone. We have tried for a very long time. (Plus, we have enough work in eradicating the bigotry in our own communities.)

As I learned through the Undoing Institutional Racism workshops by The People’s Institute Northwest for Survival and Beyond (amazing, educational, life-changing experiences that I highly, highly recommend!), the minority cannot by itself successfully educate the majority on racism.

Members of the majority must step up to educate their peers.

It is through an alliance of majority and minority people working together to undo racism that it can actually be undone.

That is my hope for the future.

In the meantime, I continue to make art to share with the world. I continue to help people. I continue to spread love. I continue.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a middle-grade novel centered on the question, can enemies become friends? She is currently writing another novel that is a re-imagining of the Snow White fairy tale set in 1980s Seattle. Peg also believes in equality for all people and continues to fight the good fight.

Art by Sveta Dorosheva.

Donald Trump just became the next President of the United States of America.

I’m in shock.

Yet part of me is not.

The part of me that’s in shock believed, like so many others, all the tweets, posts, and media stories this year that said Hilary Clinton was going to win. That not only was she going to win, she was going to sweep.

I believed that the American public wasn’t going to fall for Trump and Pence’s platform of hatred, racism, sexism, classism, xenophobia, and homophobia.

This side of me said, “I can’t believe it! How could they vote for him?!”

But my other side said, “I knew it. I knew that people were as bad as I thought.”

People are saying we live in a split nation.

Well, I live in a split self.

One side of me believes that people are good and they mean well.

The other side of me says no, you’re wrong, there are many people that are bad.

But there’s more. I have never told anyone this before but I have secretly believed for years that about half of my fellow citizens are mostly good and half are mostly bad. Sounds simplistic, doesn’t it? I know it does. That’s why I haven’t told anyone until now.

My theory is not based on anything scientific. It’s purely anecdotal. I have experienced racism, sexism, and other hateful things on a regular basis throughout my life. I’ve also experienced love, generosity, and kindness. When a bad thing would happen to me, a good thing would balance it, and vice versa. Back and forth. Good and bad.

As the presidential election results came in last night, I could hardly believe my eyes. My split self stood at attention.

As of this post, Trump won 47% of the popular vote, and Clinton won 48%. That’s basically 50-50.

I didn’t think my secret theory about people would be made so crystal clear, and in such a public and open way, but there it is–on every news channel, every news site, and every newspaper. It’s being discussed on millions of phone texts, Facebook pages, and Twitter feeds around the world.

What I’ve been feeling and suspecting about people for a long time is now clear as day.

Half of America voted for hate.

Half of American voted for hope.

The truth is here.

But despite the fact that I’ve been thinking about this 50/50 split for years, it’s still hard to digest.

Hard to fathom.

Hard to accept.

I feel validated, but a part of me wishes I hadn’t been.

So, what to do now?

I can’t tell you what to do–everyone has their own path to walk–but I can tell you what I’m going to do.

First, I’m practicing extreme self care.

Funny, I just wrote about surrendering to rest less than three days ago. Somehow, my timing was spot on.

I need to rest and regroup and grieve the future of my country. I’m going to eat well, get lots of sleep, meditate, walk, exercise, see my self-care practitioners, and be with good people in my life who are going through the same shock. Love is the way–love for myself through self care, and love shared with the people I care about.

Second, I’m going after my dream.

I realized my dream of being a full time writer this year, but it hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. In fact, it’s been hard and scary. I’ve hit lots of potholes and even fell down a few wells all along the way. But the Trump Presidency isn’t like stepping into a pothole or falling down a well; it’s like being sucker punched and then pushed into the freakin’ Grand Canyon.

So, what do you do when you find yourself at the bottom of a canyon? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start climbing back out, one step at a time.

Trump has the power to push the button that could change the world as we know it. My life could disappear in a blink of an eye. Knowing this, I’m not going to be complacent. I’m going after my dream like never before. Like climbing out of a canyon, I’m going after it with renewed focus and commitment, one step at a time.

Third, I’m going to help people I want to help.

Service has always been a part of my life. But this is the first year in more than two decades that I haven’t been involved in some form of service on a daily or regular basis. In order to learn the ins and outs of being a writer, I had to focus, let go of other commitments, learn new habits, and immerse myself into the storytelling realm. That left no time for service.

With Trump becoming President in January, the new year seems like the right time to start helping the people I’ve been wanting to help for a long time–people that most people don’t want to help, but instead want to forget. 2017 is almost here. Time to embark.

Lastly, I’m learning radical acceptance.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that I like or support the thing I’m accepting. Acceptance means that I see that thing for what it is. I’m not trying to ignore it or pretend it’s something it isn’t.

I know that there’s many good people in my country, and at the same time, I accept that there’s many people who would throw me under the bus (some already have) if it serves them, or even if it doesn’t. I accept this. I also accept that many people are a mix of good and bad.

Through radical acceptance, I am trying to fuse the two sides of my self that have been arguing. No more sides. I want to be one.

In the end, it’s hard for me to have hope for my country with Trump at the helm. Fact is, I don’t have hope in him. But I do have hope in myself.

As a wise person once told me, “You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. But by changing yourself, the whole system changes.”

That’s what next for me.

The truth is here.

Time to step up and meet it.

Peg Cheng is the author of The Contenders, a middle-grade novel centered on the question, can enemies become friends? She is currently writing another novel that is a re-imagining of the Snow White fairy tale set in 1980s Seattle. Peg also believes in equality for all people and continues to fight the good fight.

American Flag by Harris.news.